It’s another sleepless night. In order to combat my inner turmoil and strife, I’m here again venting to a computer screen. For the first time in my life, I feel at a crossroads in some really major, significant, life altering ways. It’s strange to just know that whatever decision I make, my life is going to change in a major way.
I’ve had some major epiphanies tonight. I guess most of it has come from talking with the people in my life lately. Talking with my friends has made me open my eyes to many things. The first eye opener was the fact that I don’t have to tolerate stupid ex-boyfriend in my life anymore. I don’t owe him anything. Certainly not after all the hell he’s put me through. So I got rid of him. Hands clean and conscious clear.
Next, after having lunch with a friend to celebrate her birthday I realized that in five months, I will be 33. With that I also realized it’s time to stop being afraid. It’s time to let someone new into my life. I won’t lie, this still terrifies me. But when I look back on the many guys I passed over just because I was too afraid I want to kick myself. Literally put my foot up and kick myself in the butt for being so stupid.
Then there’s school. This has been my most up and down, backwards and forwards, sideways roller coaster issue. I have never felt inadequate when it came to school. I never competed. I always took my grades as I deserved and never thought twice about it. I was okay with how I did and didn’t beat myself up about it. My mom always said as long as you did your best that’s all that matters. Yet somehow with the program I’m in my “best” isn’t good enough. I’ve never felt so discouraged and beat down about school in my entire life. When this last quarter ended I went to my mom’s house and cried because I wanted to quit so bad. I felt like this is all so pointless because I’ll never get into a grad program with my meager B+ average. I was ready to quit and see what I could do with School Counseling again. Unfortunately, I’m too damned stubborn to quit. I said I would stick with it because this is what I want to do and I can’t go back now. Oh but do I waver constantly about it. Then I find out this summer that the one person I truly connected with and related to….is leaving me. She got in to a program out-of-state. I’m happy for her but I’m also sad because nobody could relate to me like her. I’m really going to miss her and my classes will be incredibly lame and empty without her in them.
Lastly, there is the ever-present ticking of my biological clock. It’s no longer a slow tick of a clock. It has now turned into a massive alarm. Like those really annoying ones that were on clock radios. I used to not even want kids but now some instinct or whatever is pushing me to hurry up before it’s too late. Even my guy friend thinks I should pop out some kids and that I would make a great mom. I can’t help but agree with him. When I turned 30, I gave myself until 35 to find a spouse, settle down, and have children. This was because I had received my diagnosis of Endometriosis a couple of years earlier and knew time was not on my side. My doctor said I only had one good ovary at the time. Now, I just hope I’m not too late.
So yes, I am definitely at a crossroads. I have many paths laid before me and I know which one I want to take. I just hope that the future is gracious enough to lead me down those paths.