“Bosses” and Stupid Ex-Boyfriends

A lot of interesting things have been happening lately. I really want to write a post about them, but between work, school, and studying I have no time to dedicate to blogging like I used to. Then when I take a moment to breathe, like I’m doing right now, I forget about most of what I really wanted to say. Oh well, I will just have to go with what I remember.

So, the first interesting thing has been one of my “bosses”. I say my “boss” because while she’s overseeing me and I’m learning a lot from her, I feel she’s more like a peer than a boss. For starters she’s my age. Even a year or two younger than me. Even crazier than that is the fact that her sister and I were in the same Counseling program and graduated with our Master’s degree at the same time. I remember having one class with her sister but we never talked or hung out. Also, she asks me a lot of personal questions.

I’m really not used to people asking about my personal life and wanting to get all up in my business. Most people will skirt around the deep personal stuff, but not my “boss”. She asked me flat-out one day if I was dating anyone and when I said no she asked me “why not?”.  I’m the type of person who doesn’t just volunteer information to people I don’t know. However, if a person is asking me a straight forward question I will gladly answer. So, we ended up talking about the “stupid ex-boyfriend” and I told her about that whole drama. Then we got to talking about internet dating and I told her about my disasters in that arena and why I gave up on it.

Now, I’ve had bosses that I was close with. I still talk to my old Principal from time to time. But, we never got into deep conversations like this. These are the type of conversations that I usually reserve for my friends. Probably because they are the ones who actually care about stuff like that. I’ve had some time to get to know her and I’ve decided that my “boss” is just a really laid back and genuine person. She’s one of those people who live life to the fullest and gets along with everybody. I’m actually glad I’m working with her and learning from her because not only is she an awesome person, but she’s awesome at her job as well.

The other interesting that has been happening is the whole sex vs love debate. Yes, it rages on with stupid ex-boyfriend. We just finished arguing via text message about it. I really don’t know how it got started but I know how it ended. The same way it always does: him telling me he doesn’t want a relationship, that he just wants me. I interpret that to mean that he just wants sex and nothing more and it pisses me off. So before I reply I count to ten to gather my composure and reply with only honesty. I say that’s the problem. That I’m not a girl who can have casual sex with someone I’m not committed to who isn’t committed to me. How does he not know this by now? It’s only so obvious. I feel like he’s trying to make me into someone I’m not.

Yet, when something bad happened to me earlier this week he was the first person I talked to about it. Probably because he texts me daily. Even if it’s just to say hi or see how my day is going. If we hadn’t been in a relationship we would probably make really good friends.It’s obvious we still care about each other but I know we could never really be friends. Why? Because he’d constantly be propositioning me to sleep with him.

*Deep sigh* That’s my life.

Nat’s Life Updated

tech-update

I think I may have to rename my blog from Nat’s_Life_Daily to Nat’s_Life_Weekly or possibly monthly. It’s been a crazy and hectic few weeks with many ups and some downs. But, I won’t complain about any of it because I’m loving all of it.

I HATED unemployment. It sucked. Yes, I got to stay home and not be stressed out so much and take some time for myself. But after the first few months of that it got old. After a year and a half of it, I was dying. Well, somehow I went from one extreme to the other. Now, I’m working full-time. When I get off work, I’m at school all night. When I leave school I’m studying for tests and quizzes. I’ve had zero free time to really concentrate on my blog and write. I’ve really had nothing to write. On many of my weekends, I’m involved in church activities so that takes away from my down time. But it has also been fun and I’ve found renewed energy and purpose in it. I work harder during the week to study because I know once the Sabbath comes, that is it for me. No more thinking about school and studying. It’s time to relax and commune with God. I’ve definitely grown to appreciate this mandatory respite from life in the last year. And now with life as busy as it is, I really appreciate it that much more.

Work is good. I’m at three very different school sites: an elementary school, a high school, and a non-public school. The elementary school is pretty cool. The high school is fantastic. The non-public school is okay. Everyone at all three sites seems nice. I’m working mostly with students in special education at all three sites. I’ve always had a soft spot for kids in special education so I’m glad to have an opportunity to be exposed to them more than I was as a School Counselor. So far the experience has been invaluable. I’m learning so much about the profession and already building a professional network of people. I’m trying really hard to do a great job so that when the time comes for me to re-apply for this position next year, there will be no hesitation in allowing me to return. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m maybe trying too hard or overdoing it. I don’t want to run out of gas before June.

So while my professional and school life are going great, my love life is still in the gutter. In the game of love vs. sex, love is always going to win out for me. I can’t help it. I’ve already been there and done the “no strings attached” thing. It doesn’t work for me. I attach strings. I have been trying to open my eyes and be more open to dating people I may have overlooked in the past. Who am I trying to kid? If a guy asked me out that I felt wasn’t my type I’d still say no. Or in my case say, “I’ll think about it”, knowing I won’t and should’ve just said no. I hate hurting people’s feelings. In not hurting their feelings, I’m probably leading them on which is just as bad, if not worse. There is this one really cute teacher at one of my sites. My supervisor adores him. She always tells me, “Isn’t he so cute?” I just say yeah. She likes him so much she wants to set him up with her daughter. Unfortunately, her daughter is already dating someone and lives two hours away. If my supervisor wasn’t married, I think she’d take him for herself. I can’t say I’d blame her though. The guy seems perfect on paper: tall, handsome, special ed teacher, kind, caring, friendly, athletic, and likes to travel. Maybe I should ask him out….

So yeah, that’s been my life for the last couple of weeks. There’s been more stuff with Mr. stupid ex-boyfriend but I’ll save that for future posts.

Sex vs. Love

images

He wants sex. She wants love.

He wants someone to be at his disposal for his sexual needs whenever he wants. To be a ready and willing participant in whatever sexual gymnastics he has thought of for the night. He doesn’t want to date. He doesn’t want a relationship. He doesn’t want a friendship. He wants someone who will be mutually respectful of the fact that all he requires from this life is sex. He doesn’t want to get to know her. He doesn’t want to marry her or raise a family. Yet, if this is something he has to tell her in order to get what he wants, then he will. The future is not something that matters to him. He lives for the present alone. That is all that matters. The present is the only thing that will fulfill his desire. The present is the only place that can quench his insatiable lust for sex. But, what happens when he meets someone who makes him think about the future?

She wants someone who will be committed and faithful to her. Someone who will love her unconditionally. A person who will meet her high standards of love and relationship. A partner  to carry the burdens of life with and celebrate the joys. She wants someone who will be her friend, lover, and husband. A man who will know her inside and out. A soulmate. A man that has all of those high standards she has longed for all of her life. A relationship, marriage, and children. That is all she ever thinks about. Her future. The future that she has mapped out and guaranteed for herself. She has no doubts that this will happen for her. Love is her future and it will happen for her. She doesn’t think about the past or the present. The past has long since gone and the present is only a gateway to the future. But what happens when she meets someone who makes her think about the present?

So what happens when these two people, of completely opposite dispositions, cross paths?

I haven’t the slightest idea. Yet, this seems to be the path I’ve found myself in. A path where he wants sex and I want love. The end result is always the same because both of us are too stubborn to yield to what the other wants. So we continue this dance of love and sex. Never wanting to go completely forward but never quite wanting to give up. I think this is what the dictionary refers to as insanity.

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

She asks herself daily.

Why am I here

and why do I worry?

Things are not right.

They haven’t been in a while.

Not even a funny joke

seems to make me smile.

What am I doing?

She asks herself nightly

Feeling overwhelmed

with feelings that are frightening,

frustrating, painful, and sad.

Eating her emotions

straight from the bag.

She fills the void with junk.

Salty, chocolate, and sweet.

Only caring about it later

while wallowing in her defeat.

What am I doing?

She truly wants to know.

But the power of confusion

leaves her in the shadows.

First Love

images

Do you remember your first love?

Do I remember mine? I do. His name was Ronald. I met him within my first few months at college. I can still remember the first moment that I saw him. I remember every feeling and thought I had. He was cute in an unconventional kind of way and I really liked that. What I remember most of all was the way he looked back at me. That’s how I knew he was it for me. He stood out from every other guy I had known before or met previously. His eyes weren’t filled with lust or the need to conquer. Instead they were filled with admiration. I had never been one to approach a guy or make the first move. I was always shy and reserved. But with Ronald, all of that was tossed aside. I became someone else as I talked and flirted with him. Thank the Lord, he actually flirted back. This was mutual. Ronald and I lived in the same hall so we spent a lot of time together. We got to know each other extremely well and we were honest with each other. Well, most of the time.

Yes, I remember my first love quite well. I remember the butterflies. I remember the smiles. I remember the sweet little things he did just because. It’s hard to forget that. I remember the innocence of that first love. It was new and untainted by previous relationships. He was the epitome of the perfect guy for me. Yes, I said perfect. Back then I had no realization that perfection didn’t exist. Or that it would be hard to find anything remotely close to my ideal of perfection ever again. And, just like many first loves, ours came to an end. It was all my fault. I got upset with him over something. I can’t remember what it was, but odds are it was something really stupid. In the heat of the moment I broke up with him. For, the first time in my life I had regretted that decision so I tried to make amends for it. I asked Ronald to give me another chance and he said no. I didn’t beg and I never asked again after that. He was just as stubborn as me and he wasn’t going to change his mind.

Ronald and I remained friends throughout college. I slowly got over the break up, but I never entered into another relationship. Ronald and I parted ways after college and I didn’t see him until a mutual friend’s wedding. It was a very brief hello and goodbye after which I proceeded to get very, very drunk. I never saw or heard from him after that until a few years after the wedding. He had finally embraced social media and joined Facebook. I friend requested him and we began writing each other. It was going well until some unresolved past issues were brought up and he said that while he cared about me, he couldn’t be friends with me anymore. My simple reply was okay. He left Facebook shortly after that.

For my 32nd birthday, I decided to get really drunk and forget that I was 32. When my friends left and I was alone, I wanted to look up Ronald. I didn’t think I would find him and  yet I did. He had returned to Facebook. In my drunken haze I took it as a sign. So what did I do? I decided to drunk Facebook him of course. I sent him a message that said, “Hi Ronald. Before you completely disregard this message I ask you to be nice because its my birthday and I’m drunk. It’s been a while. How are you?” I hit send and went into a great drunken sleep. When I woke up the next morning what I did hit me like a ton of bricks. Why would I do something so ridiculous? He made it very clear he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Oh well I decided. What’s done is done and can’t be undone. I’d just say it was a mid-life crisis or something. Yet, to my complete and utter shock he wrote back. And he wrote back that same morning. His reply said, “Hello Natasha. Its always nice to hear from you. Im doing ok, I hope you had a nice birthday. Yeah its been a while, How have you been? Whats your favorite drink?” 

Yes folks, not only did my first love respond back to my message but he also asked a question which meant he wanted to keep the conversation going. And since I turned 32, it has. We haven’t brought up our past and I have no plans to. Thus far, we have only focused on our present and are starting to touch on the future. I hope this means we can be friends. I used to think it was impossible to be friends with an ex, but maybe that isn’t so. We have both grown up and matured a lot. We are no longer the naive 19 and 20 year olds that we once were.

I never thought first love could be so special. I never thought that this many years after our relationship I would still think about him. I never thought I would still wonder how his life was going and if he was okay. I never thought I would still care or even remember him. But I guess it’s because no matter how hard you try, you never forget your first love. They always have that special place in your heart. Even now, I know that if speaking to each other again doesn’t turn out well that, it’s okay. It’s okay because I know I will never forget about him and he will never forget about me. The power of first love has bound us together in a special and unique way. And that, I will never regret.

Insomnia Revelations And Realizations

images

Tonight is another insomnia night. There are way too many things going through my head. As much as I would love to lay my head on my pillow and forget about life for at least seven hours, that is impossible at the moment.

I had much higher hopes for 2013. At the end of 2012 things were looking good for me. Things were finally going to come together. But I guess that was not fates intention for me. That job I got…I still have it for now. But they haven’t called me yet about starting. Apparently someone in Human Resources either doesn’t like me or doesn’t know what they are doing. Either way one person’s signature and approval is delaying and destroying my future hopes and dreams. Maybe I’m being overdramatic about it. But that’s how I feel. I’ve been patiently waiting for this opportunity for two years and just when I think I have it, it may slip through my fingers like it was never even there in the first place. All I can think now is what if they change their mind? What if one persons apprehension leads to them rescinding my job offer? All this time, effort, and money for nothing.

Then there is the thing about me and relationships. I thought I was done obsessing about that part of my life but I guess I was wrong. It came back to haunt me at my friend’s sons birthday party this past weekend. I hadn’t seen her or my best friend in a while so it was a great opportunity for us to catch up. Both of them have children and one is married while the other isn’t married. The one who isn’t married has been with her son’s father for about seven years. I told her that they have a common law marriage because they’ve been together so long. She even refers to him as her husband even though they haven’t made it legal. Anyway, her and I were talking about why she hasn’t made it official. She had various reasons that have to do with her partner’s shady past. But she also said something that surprised me. She said she didn’t want to get married anymore. She said the wedding and all those things don’t matter to her anymore. That they were just a young girl fantasy and not really for her. I couldn’t help but kind of see her point.

The more I look for that perfect someone for me, the less I feel that he actually exists. Yet, without him the whole idea of marriage seems pointless to me. Sure, I could settle and marry the first guy that comes along, shows adequate interest, and actually asks. But where’s the fun in that? I need someone who gets me and understands me because I have realized that I am a lot to handle. I am not a walk in the park. Being in a relationship with me will definitely not be perfect. I am an amalgam of many different emotions (thank you Endometriosis for that one) and I need someone who can understand that. I’ve also been reflecting on my past relationships and while there were various reasons they ended, the heart of the issue for me was that I never felt like I was enough for them. They wanted something different or more than what I could give and it ultimately resulted in a break up.

I keep going back to that one thought that has been in the back of my head ever since I had my first break up. What if I’m just not meant to get married, have children, and do the whole white picket fence thing? I always thought it’s what I wanted, but maybe it’s just what I’ve been programmed to want. I could easily shack up with some tolerable guy for the rest of my life and try to have children with him. Why not? That’s what my friend is doing. Believe me, I have seriously considered it. However, I realize that I am not my friend. I unfortunately have this religious/moral debate raging with myself about doing that. So instead I do nothing and live a life of solitude.

These things are, unfortunately, what have brought me back to the place of insomnia and late night blogging yet again. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get my life to go the way I want it.

“About Me” In The Form Of Poetry

SInce I like poetry so much I’m thinking about turning the things I wrote on my “About” page into a poem. Check it out and let me know what you think. Thanks in advance for any and all feedback. Check it out:

Welcome to Nat’s_Life_Daily

Where I ponder if maybe

Life will change for me

And where I can speak freely.

My mind is always thinking,

Analyzing, observing, and working

On where my life is taking me.

Curveballs were thrown

At the worst time.

Plans were forged and made.

But the future still remained undefined.

Some other things you may want to know about me:

I got the nickname “Turtle”

for my penchant to walk slowly

and my love for the color green.

I’ve always loved to write

and thought about making it a future job.

It didn’t happen though

So I had to settle for my blog.

Sometimes I feel that people want to put me in a box

Lock away my identity and make me what they want me to be

However, I’m as sly and quick as a fox

And I will only be me.

So this is the shorthand version of me

The inner workings of my mind are churning endlessly

So follow along with me as I do my best to figure out life

But be patient because this could take an eternity.

Letter to A Crooked Wallflower

images

My Dearest Crooked Wallflower,

I know that I am, in fact, writing this to a ghost as you are no longer blogging. This makes me very sad because you are a great writer. You were honest and open with your words. You were also pained and hurting. It showed in your writing. I, like many other of your followers, felt it. You tugged at something inside of me and this stranger a world away from you looked forward to reading your writing. I don’t know why you stopped. I pray it wasn’t because something bad happened. Maybe, it was just because life happened.

You have always reminded me of someone Crooked Wallflower. I now know who it is. When I was 24, I had just started going to school for Counseling. I was very much wet behind the ears. I ended up getting a job working at a High School where a met a freshman named Elizabeth. She was a very pretty, shy, quiet girl. She was kind of a goth/emo type. I never really knew what that was until I met her. Anyway, Elizabeth came into my office and started talking to me. She was stressing out about different things like school, friends, and home. She had all these feelings and emotions she wanted to express. I let her get them out and didn’t interrupt her. Then she told me she was a cutter. Inside I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do for her or how to help her. It was my first day! I tried not to show my panic and just let her get it out. She asked me multiple times for my opinion, but I never gave it to her because it’s her life. Who was I to tell her how to live it or what to do with it?

After about a half hour Elizabeth said she felt better and thanked me for listening. She went back to class. I took a breath to try and stop the panic but it wasn’t going anywhere. I called my supervisor and told him about this girl. Her actual credentialed Counselor talked to her and checked her for fresh cuts. She had already been referred to treatment and thankfully she hadn’t relapsed. I continued to talk to Elizabeth over the next  7 months. I found her to be very bright, articulate, kind, and caring. I made it a point to tell her because she probably never thought about it. And she didn’t.

I gave Elizabeth a journal to write in. I told her she didn’t have to share it with anyone of she didn’t want to. That it was just for her to write about whatever she wanted. And write she did. Toward the end of the school year Elizabeth moved. Before she left, she introduced me to her mother who thanked me for giving her the journals and listening to her. She said it made a difference for her daughter. I was glad because I really liked Elizabeth and wanted her to have the best from life.

This is how I feel about you Crooked Wallflower. Wherever you are and whoever you are, I pray that you are getting only the best out of life. That you are working to overcome your fears and anxieties. I hope that you are still doing well at University and that you have opened yourself up to someone. That you have found someone to listen to you on your bad and good days. I hope you find happiness and joy. I hope you experience friendship and real love. I hope that you are still writing even if it is not on a blog. Wherever you are Crooked Wallflower, you have made an impact on me and I appreciate you for it.

Sincerely,

Nat

That Song I Probably Shouldn’t Like…But Do Anyway

I’m driving in my car and a song comes on. The beat is good. I start bobbing my head. Then the lyrics start and every other word is b**** or f***. Of course it’s bleeped out but I know exactly what they’re saying. Despite the words, I can’t stop listening. The song has me completely sucked in.

I am completely into a song that is constantly played on the radio right now featuring some very young, but prominent rappers. The song talks about everything I should really be against as a woman and probably as a human being. But I can’t stop listening to it. Every time it comes on I turn it up louder and zone out to the lyrics. I love the beat and even the hook which is basically a string of curse words repeated over and over again. I mean it makes sense, but in a very cave man kind of way.

I know I’m not the only person who has ever felt this way about a song. All of us, at some point in time, has had a song that we were forbidden to listen to by our parents or that we ourselves just knew was wrong to listen to. But we went ahead and listened to it and liked it anyway. Whether it was in secret or out in the open, there is always THAT song.

I am glad I don’t have children at this moment in my life. I wouldn’t want to, or even know how to, explain to them why it is that mommy wants to crank up this loud, misogynist, rap song and sing along with it. How can I listen to something but want to shield it from the ears and minds of a son or daughter? True, I sneakily listened to rap a lot growing up and I never took it that seriously. It was music. Some of which had great meaning behind it and I could really relate to. Of course, my parents were not big rap fans. I never had parents who listened to anything I listened to with the exception of Al Green’s “Love and Happiness”. My parents were classical, gospel, blues people while their daughter was rap, rhythm and blues, and rock. But, my children and I will probably end up liking the same genre’s of music. So, how do I justify my secret taste for inappropriate music while keeping them away from it? Feels like a huge catch 22 that I am glad I do not have to currently face.

The feminist in me just wants to say, “No, don’t listen to that song. It’s wrong and offensive and they are definitely overestimating and exaggerating their sexual prowess and ability.” But then the other part of me doesn’t want to take a song too seriously. I don’t want to get caught up in all the politics and “isms” that are constantly thrown around. I just want to enjoy a song without overanalyzing the meaning behind it. Is that really too much to ask? I don’t think so. Yet, we do get very caught up in the meaning intended in what is just some words strewn together and put on paper most likely in a moment of being under the influence of something. I get tired of the politically correct overkill at times. Sometimes, I feel that is what should be banned. It’s worse than rap at times and I just get tired of it. Don’t you?

So yes, this is my confession for the night. I like a really dirty rap song. What is your secret song? If you tell me yours, I will tell you mine.

Identity

images-1

Once I again I find myself struggling to write. I’m struggling because the only things left to write about are the things I have not wanted to go there about. Things that I have kept hidden and secret from everyone. Including myself. Yet, as the days go by I can’t suppress the urge to up the ante. I always tell myself I’m all about honesty, so maybe it’s time for me to really be honest with myself and who I am.

We are only three days into the new year and I already find myself torn between who I am and who I should be.

Yesterday, I hung out with some friends I’ve known since I was twelve years old. Whenever I get around them I feel….free. I feel more like myself than I do in any other place or with any other group of people. I can swear, I can drink, I can say what’s on my mind without a filter and they do the same. They accept these things about me without judgement or criticism. It’s amazing how relaxed I get around them. I don’t need to mind my “p’s” and “q’s”. I don’t need to censor myself for fear of offending anyone. I don’t need to hide my past or what I want for the future. I can talk openly about sex with them and not feel ashamed or dirty about it. If I’m being honest with myself, sex is hands down my favorite topic and has always been. Women who like to hide the fact that they really like sex…yes, I’m guilty of being one of them. Yet, with my friends, I’ve never hidden this fact. I can be honest about past and present relationships and discuss them candidly. I can even be honest about my future.

The other part of me is the opposite. There are more often, times then, not when I’m watching what I say. I’m trying so hard not to say that curse word that is sitting on the edge of my tongue. I try hard to suppress that dirty thought that crosses my mind every time I see something that answers the question of what could be a “phallic symbol”. The most recent epitome of that answer being a lamp I saw while shopping at IKEA with my mother. She really wanted me to get it and I thought it was a really nice lamp but I just couldn’t help thinking that the shape of it look just like an erect penis. I had to pass on it. I didn’t want that shrine to manhood lighting up my living room. She is the good girl. The honor student. The teacher’s pet. The one who treats sex like a taboo topic that should never be referenced in public. This person doesn’t want to be caught in a bar or at a happy hour drinking and talking openly about sex. She’d rather be at home reading. She goes to church most Sabbaths and enjoys the peace it brings her. She is patient and hates to be rude to people even when they are rude to her. She is kind and polite. She ultimately is me. But if she is also me, then why do I resent her so much sometimes?

My upbringing makes me feel so conflicted I spend most of the time worrying about whether or not I am a good or bad person. My religion makes me ask myself this question too. I do a lot of things that I know I’m not supposed to. I can help it most of the time, but sometimes I just need to let loose a little bit. I don’t want to feel bad about it because it’s not like I’m putting anyone else in danger or causing irreparable damage to myself. At least I don’t think so. Why can’t my identity be both of these people? Maybe it is. I just choose when, where, and how I want to bring them out. Maybe I’m not so conflicted with my identity as much as the guilt I feel when the fun me makes an appearance. Yes, I do feel guilty when she makes an appearance. Why? Because she does the things that my religion tells me not to do. She drinks, she swears, and she’s open about her sexuality. In my religion, everyone says when you give yourself to God it will change you and take you away from the sin in your life. It has changed me in a lot of ways. I’m much happier. I live healthier. I love and respect myself more. But it has not completely absolved me of all of my sins. But perhaps I’m not meant to be completely sin free because that is not the human condition. 1 John 1:8 – “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” There couldn’t be a scripture that more describes what I feel at the moment.

My identity is in my truth. My truth is that I am a complex person with different sides that come out at the appropriate time and place. I like to have fun and I like my peace. I appreciate honesty but I struggle to be honest with myself at times. I also struggle with acceptance of all the different sides of me yet somehow manage to find solace in the word and presence of God. This is my identity and as strange as it is to me, I have to learn to accept that fact that it is me.

images