One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Do you know someone who just can’t seem to get their stuff together? They try and fail or either don’t try at all and get no where and make no progress.

If you said no and yet, you’re reading this…then congratulations because you just met one of those people.

I don’t know why I take one step forward and two steps back all the time. In the last year, I’ve come a long way personally and professionally. Yet, somehow within a span of three days I’ve let a few words from a few people get into my head and send me into a complete tailspin. It all started in class one day. People are always freaking out over their grades because excellent grades are what get you into graduate school. In the program I’m in, a B may as well be an F as far as my fellow students are concerned. Everyone is so competitive and at times it feels like no one wants to help each other out. I hate that. I’m always willing to help a classmate or share information. A friend of mine, who is in a different class, said she asked some girls for their email so she could ask about the homework if she had any questions. Do you know they didn’t give it to her? They made excuses about not checking it and some other crap. I couldn’t believe it.

So since I’ve started school this idea that I must be perfect and do perfectly to get into grad school has been in my head. But the problem is that I’m not perfect. I don’t get straight A’s all the time. I’m not a multiple choice kind of test taker. So what do I end up with most of the time? The dreaded B. I used to brush it off and say I’ll just do better next time. But this is the real world and in the real world better isn’t going to cut it. Only the best make it in to grad school. I spend nearly every free minute I have studying. Television, friends, and fun have all been pushed aside so that I can reach that elusive A.

This is how I began going under even more. I’ve become so stressed out trying to reach that elusive A with no outlet I lost my head. What do I decide to do? I call stupid ex-boyfriend. One step forward, two steps back. That was a huge mistake. Now I’m left feeling like the biggest idiot in the world because I can’t seem to step out of my comfort zone. As much of an asshole as stupid ex-boyfriend is, I keep letting him come back because it’s convenient and he’s just there. It’s comfortable and there’s none of that awkwardness that you experience when you first meet someone. When did I become so damned lazy??? Or just really insecure. Either way it was a huge error in judgement that I am 100% certain will come back to haunt me in the near future.

On the other hand, my brief lapse in judgement was also very sobering. It made me realize a lot of things. The first thing being how judgmental I’ve been about my sister and her ex-husband when her and I are definitely cut from the same cloth. She has wised up and moved on. Maybe one day I’ll be able to as well. I’ve also realized that I can’t dwell on things that haven’t even happened yet. I don’t know what my ending grades will look like. I have plenty of time to improve my scores and in the end if all I get are a bunch of B’s, then dammit at least I worked my butt off to earn those B’s. If a school doesn’t want to let me in because of that, it’s not the end of the world. I already have one freakin’ Master’s degree. I will be fine. Finally, the last thing I’ve realized is that my stupid ex boyfriend is never going to change. I can’t keep holding on and going back to him because he’s predictable and I know exactly what I’m going to get, both good and bad. I need to force myself to date no matter how much I don’t want to. Perhaps I need to make myself uncomfortable to find a future that is happy.

So, yes I am a one step forward and two steps back kind of person. This self sabotage has got to stop before I end up in a situation I can’t get out of. Well, here’s to hoping the one step forward I take this week keeps propelling me forward.