I Fall Apart

Today was the day I finally fell apart.

I pushed myself for almost two months and it has finally caught up with me. Today I had an emotional breakdown. I went to work tired and stressed over midterms, quizzes, and papers due next week. I didn’t get any sleep. The words of my crazy neighbor are constantly replaying over and over in my head. My dog woke me up at 3:30 in the morning barking downstairs as if someone was trying to break in. Yet, I held it together.

I leave work to go home and nearly avoid being hit by a truck that almost turned directly into me. I’m tired and drained. My caffeine and sugar rush have long worn off. I go to my parents house and then head home. I get a call from someone at church to teach class and I say yes because I just can’t seem to say no even though I’m so tired and don’t feel well. Yet, I hold it together.

I’m driving home and I stop on a downslope. The soup my mom gave me spills. I go to turn and am almost hit by another car speeding down the street. I finally make it home to only have the bag my soup was in fall apart and land on my lap. I am burned by scalding by hot soup on my thigh. I walk into the house as quickly as I can. I can no longer hold it together.

I let the tears flow from my eyes and curl in a ball. It just feels like too much. I’m too overwhelmed. I went from zero to sixty and I really just need some time to myself to breathe. I need sleep. I need to relax. I need to exercise. I need healthy food. I need to stop stressing out. But I find it hard to do any of these things. The hardest part of all is knowing that I can only have this short breather and then it’s back to reality tomorrow. I will have to pull it together and put on my everything’s fine face because nobody wants to watch a person fall apart. The sad thing is that I will. I will continue on being Ms. Responsibility and Ms. Determined while hiding the fact that I am dying for a respite inside. I will continue on with life and push myself until I fall apart again. I can’t help but wonder if something similar to this was the inspiration for the story of Humpty Dumpty?

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5 thoughts on “I Fall Apart

  1. You’ve got this, you just need a deep breath and a good night’s sleep. Tell the truth and say that you don’t feel well, that will remove all the extra obligations from your weekend. That stuff can be rescheduled when you feel better or someone else can step up. They wouldn’t want you coughing and all that around them, they don’t want you to fall apart either. Only do what needs to be done, no more. Spend all weekend in your PJ’s. Instead of going to church, rest and read your favorite story from the Bible if you want. Continuing on with life is expected, but you shouldn’t feel overwhelmed to the point you can’t fall asleep and you don’t want to get up.

    Work. School. Good music. Sleep.

    And splurge on a food you love. And then eat a salad to ease the guilt. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I hope you get that breather you need soon. Sometimes, you have to make it happen… but sometimes you get pleasantly surprised too.

    • Thanks Katie Renee! I guess I’m getting so caught up in disappointing other people that I have totally forgot about disappointing myself. I do need a good nights sleep and some me time. I just hope I realize this before I fall apart the next time I feel this way.

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