Today was the day I finally fell apart.
I pushed myself for almost two months and it has finally caught up with me. Today I had an emotional breakdown. I went to work tired and stressed over midterms, quizzes, and papers due next week. I didn’t get any sleep. The words of my crazy neighbor are constantly replaying over and over in my head. My dog woke me up at 3:30 in the morning barking downstairs as if someone was trying to break in. Yet, I held it together.
I leave work to go home and nearly avoid being hit by a truck that almost turned directly into me. I’m tired and drained. My caffeine and sugar rush have long worn off. I go to my parents house and then head home. I get a call from someone at church to teach class and I say yes because I just can’t seem to say no even though I’m so tired and don’t feel well. Yet, I hold it together.
I’m driving home and I stop on a downslope. The soup my mom gave me spills. I go to turn and am almost hit by another car speeding down the street. I finally make it home to only have the bag my soup was in fall apart and land on my lap. I am burned by scalding by hot soup on my thigh. I walk into the house as quickly as I can. I can no longer hold it together.
I let the tears flow from my eyes and curl in a ball. It just feels like too much. I’m too overwhelmed. I went from zero to sixty and I really just need some time to myself to breathe. I need sleep. I need to relax. I need to exercise. I need healthy food. I need to stop stressing out. But I find it hard to do any of these things. The hardest part of all is knowing that I can only have this short breather and then it’s back to reality tomorrow. I will have to pull it together and put on my everything’s fine face because nobody wants to watch a person fall apart. The sad thing is that I will. I will continue on being Ms. Responsibility and Ms. Determined while hiding the fact that I am dying for a respite inside. I will continue on with life and push myself until I fall apart again. I can’t help but wonder if something similar to this was the inspiration for the story of Humpty Dumpty?