First Love

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Do you remember your first love?

Do I remember mine? I do. His name was Ronald. I met him within my first few months at college. I can still remember the first moment that I saw him. I remember every feeling and thought I had. He was cute in an unconventional kind of way and I really liked that. What I remember most of all was the way he looked back at me. That’s how I knew he was it for me. He stood out from every other guy I had known before or met previously. His eyes weren’t filled with lust or the need to conquer. Instead they were filled with admiration. I had never been one to approach a guy or make the first move. I was always shy and reserved. But with Ronald, all of that was tossed aside. I became someone else as I talked and flirted with him. Thank the Lord, he actually flirted back. This was mutual. Ronald and I lived in the same hall so we spent a lot of time together. We got to know each other extremely well and we were honest with each other. Well, most of the time.

Yes, I remember my first love quite well. I remember the butterflies. I remember the smiles. I remember the sweet little things he did just because. It’s hard to forget that. I remember the innocence of that first love. It was new and untainted by previous relationships. He was the epitome of the perfect guy for me. Yes, I said perfect. Back then I had no realization that perfection didn’t exist. Or that it would be hard to find anything remotely close to my ideal of perfection ever again. And, just like many first loves, ours came to an end. It was all my fault. I got upset with him over something. I can’t remember what it was, but odds are it was something really stupid. In the heat of the moment I broke up with him. For, the first time in my life I had regretted that decision so I tried to make amends for it. I asked Ronald to give me another chance and he said no. I didn’t beg and I never asked again after that. He was just as stubborn as me and he wasn’t going to change his mind.

Ronald and I remained friends throughout college. I slowly got over the break up, but I never entered into another relationship. Ronald and I parted ways after college and I didn’t see him until a mutual friend’s wedding. It was a very brief hello and goodbye after which I proceeded to get very, very drunk. I never saw or heard from him after that until a few years after the wedding. He had finally embraced social media and joined Facebook. I friend requested him and we began writing each other. It was going well until some unresolved past issues were brought up and he said that while he cared about me, he couldn’t be friends with me anymore. My simple reply was okay. He left Facebook shortly after that.

For my 32nd birthday, I decided to get really drunk and forget that I was 32. When my friends left and I was alone, I wanted to look up Ronald. I didn’t think I would find him and  yet I did. He had returned to Facebook. In my drunken haze I took it as a sign. So what did I do? I decided to drunk Facebook him of course. I sent him a message that said, “Hi Ronald. Before you completely disregard this message I ask you to be nice because its my birthday and I’m drunk. It’s been a while. How are you?” I hit send and went into a great drunken sleep. When I woke up the next morning what I did hit me like a ton of bricks. Why would I do something so ridiculous? He made it very clear he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Oh well I decided. What’s done is done and can’t be undone. I’d just say it was a mid-life crisis or something. Yet, to my complete and utter shock he wrote back. And he wrote back that same morning. His reply said, “Hello Natasha. Its always nice to hear from you. Im doing ok, I hope you had a nice birthday. Yeah its been a while, How have you been? Whats your favorite drink?” 

Yes folks, not only did my first love respond back to my message but he also asked a question which meant he wanted to keep the conversation going. And since I turned 32, it has. We haven’t brought up our past and I have no plans to. Thus far, we have only focused on our present and are starting to touch on the future. I hope this means we can be friends. I used to think it was impossible to be friends with an ex, but maybe that isn’t so. We have both grown up and matured a lot. We are no longer the naive 19 and 20 year olds that we once were.

I never thought first love could be so special. I never thought that this many years after our relationship I would still think about him. I never thought I would still wonder how his life was going and if he was okay. I never thought I would still care or even remember him. But I guess it’s because no matter how hard you try, you never forget your first love. They always have that special place in your heart. Even now, I know that if speaking to each other again doesn’t turn out well that, it’s okay. It’s okay because I know I will never forget about him and he will never forget about me. The power of first love has bound us together in a special and unique way. And that, I will never regret.

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