Tonight is another insomnia night. There are way too many things going through my head. As much as I would love to lay my head on my pillow and forget about life for at least seven hours, that is impossible at the moment.
I had much higher hopes for 2013. At the end of 2012 things were looking good for me. Things were finally going to come together. But I guess that was not fates intention for me. That job I got…I still have it for now. But they haven’t called me yet about starting. Apparently someone in Human Resources either doesn’t like me or doesn’t know what they are doing. Either way one person’s signature and approval is delaying and destroying my future hopes and dreams. Maybe I’m being overdramatic about it. But that’s how I feel. I’ve been patiently waiting for this opportunity for two years and just when I think I have it, it may slip through my fingers like it was never even there in the first place. All I can think now is what if they change their mind? What if one persons apprehension leads to them rescinding my job offer? All this time, effort, and money for nothing.
Then there is the thing about me and relationships. I thought I was done obsessing about that part of my life but I guess I was wrong. It came back to haunt me at my friend’s sons birthday party this past weekend. I hadn’t seen her or my best friend in a while so it was a great opportunity for us to catch up. Both of them have children and one is married while the other isn’t married. The one who isn’t married has been with her son’s father for about seven years. I told her that they have a common law marriage because they’ve been together so long. She even refers to him as her husband even though they haven’t made it legal. Anyway, her and I were talking about why she hasn’t made it official. She had various reasons that have to do with her partner’s shady past. But she also said something that surprised me. She said she didn’t want to get married anymore. She said the wedding and all those things don’t matter to her anymore. That they were just a young girl fantasy and not really for her. I couldn’t help but kind of see her point.
The more I look for that perfect someone for me, the less I feel that he actually exists. Yet, without him the whole idea of marriage seems pointless to me. Sure, I could settle and marry the first guy that comes along, shows adequate interest, and actually asks. But where’s the fun in that? I need someone who gets me and understands me because I have realized that I am a lot to handle. I am not a walk in the park. Being in a relationship with me will definitely not be perfect. I am an amalgam of many different emotions (thank you Endometriosis for that one) and I need someone who can understand that. I’ve also been reflecting on my past relationships and while there were various reasons they ended, the heart of the issue for me was that I never felt like I was enough for them. They wanted something different or more than what I could give and it ultimately resulted in a break up.
I keep going back to that one thought that has been in the back of my head ever since I had my first break up. What if I’m just not meant to get married, have children, and do the whole white picket fence thing? I always thought it’s what I wanted, but maybe it’s just what I’ve been programmed to want. I could easily shack up with some tolerable guy for the rest of my life and try to have children with him. Why not? That’s what my friend is doing. Believe me, I have seriously considered it. However, I realize that I am not my friend. I unfortunately have this religious/moral debate raging with myself about doing that. So instead I do nothing and live a life of solitude.
These things are, unfortunately, what have brought me back to the place of insomnia and late night blogging yet again. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get my life to go the way I want it.