Pick Your Poison: Laziness, Apathy, Depression?

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I am lazy. This used to not be an issue for me. I was always okay with my lazy ways because I still always managed to get the important things accomplished.  Now, I am starting to realize that my laziness is making me incredibly unhappy. I force myself to get out of bed in the morning. It’s hard to get up when you really have nothing to look forward to. The days don’t bring much enjoyment with no work and school being on break. I go downstairs to exercise. My exercise always ends up as a half-assed and half-hearted attempt. I head over to mom’s house where I lounge around all day watching television or reading. Days like this used to bring joy and comfort to me after a semester of hard work. My laziness was always my reward for dealing with grumpy students and parents. Now it just feels like a burden.

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I am apathetic. I just don’t care anymore. I am at the point where I feel like I can’t win for losing so I just don’t care. In life there are winners and there are losers. I seem to be on the losing side at the moment. I am trying not to stress and deal with my “new life” but it is hard. I am not used to being so idle. Yet, I can’t seem to find any motivation to do much of anything. I sit around all day and pick myself apart. Not good I know. Yet, I can’t get away from it. I’m finding it very challenging to get out of my own head and out of my own way. Maybe, it’s the holidays. I realized today that I haven’t even bothered to put up my Christmas tree yet and I am in no hurry to. Procrastination has always been one of my lesser liked qualities.

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I think I may be a little depressed. My mother was on the phone with my brother today. He won’t be here for my birthday. They asked me what I wanted and I said nothing. In my head all I could think was, “To never have been born.” I will be 32. I will still be unmarried, childless, unemployed, and overweight. What is there to celebrate? I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes but I didn’t want anyone to see so I made a hasty retreat to the bathroom where I let them flow down my face. The day isn’t even here yet and it’s already causing me massive dread and disappointment. There is more to the story. My ex called and left me a message that, surprise surprise, the jerk has moved back. This made me realize how much I hate him and his effect on my emotions. I was managing until he reappeared. I haven’t seen him yet and I’m not sure how I will react. I hope I never see him again, but I have never been that lucky. Hopefully, I will still be apathetic so he will know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I no longer want or require his presence in any aspect of my life.

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4 thoughts on “Pick Your Poison: Laziness, Apathy, Depression?

  1. I have so been right where you are. Seriously. In fact, I was just there. Well, I am there.

    Laziness? So there. My worst enemy. I’m 10 minutes late to work every day because of it (thankfully, it doesn’t matter). I do my chores at the last second, I wait to pack my lunch until there is no time and I have to eat out, and the Christmas tree is not going up this year. Joy to the world and all that jazz, but no. I had 3 months to do traffic school for my ticket, I waited until the day 75 of 90 to get started. I need not go on.

    Apathy, got that too. I don’t like people, so I stay away from them because deep down I think they’ll all end up hurting me. My best friend turned on me over his misunderstood assumption on Thanksgiving. It was WWIII in the middle of the night and it was the end of our friendship. After everything we’d been through, he should have known that I’d always have his back. Right? No.

    Don’t even get me started on relationships. I had to call off my wedding, which was the most humiliating thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. And I am just now starting to get over it… 6 or so months later? So stupid ex boyfriends indeed. They dance in and out of life, wanting the good without the bad.

    I comfort eat, depression runs in my family, and there is an anxiety disorder in that mix. Enough said.

    Now, I’m not going to lie. On my drive home from work today, I felt exactly like you felt when you wrote this and I cried too. How can you not cry when you feel that overwhelmed? This is NOT where I thought I would be. I made good choices, I did the right thing… worked hard, studied, made birthday cakes, sat through family obligations, split holidays, said “I love you” all the time… I did anything possible to ensure my success. And yet, here I am.

    So I sat there in traffic, crying like a lunatic, when I remembered something. This experience has made me a stronger, different person. Has it been fun? It’s been a nightmare. But a beautiful one. I’m still very much in the pit, but there is literally nowhere to go but up. I have a list of things to work on… and I think you do too because you named things about yourself you have an issue with. And this experience of late has just highlighted their importance.

    I’m trying really hard to start changing things in my life, but it’s hard to break those habits. And like you said, I get on the fast track and then something surprises me and pushes me off into the pit again. There is a song that comes on my radio every now and again… it’s called “No Matter What” by Kerrie Roberts.

    Basically the whole point of the song is that even though life can be hard and heartbreaking, God makes it so for a purpose. My recent adventures highlighted that I’d strayed from my path and my focus was not on God anymore. I was not the person I was meant to be. I’m not sure what this experience was meant to do for you as only you can know that. But everything has a purpose. And even though I’m an online stranger that reads your blog, I already know that you are a strong woman. Strong enough to handle this, no matter how much it sucks.

    • Thanks so much Katie Renee. Yes, we are strangers for the most part. Two women on different sides of the country who know each other through blogging. But I feel like you know and understand what I’m going through in ways that other people do not. You understand because you have been there and are there too. I always appreciate your comments and your honesty because, as we both know, it is rare to find.

      You are right I am strong and I feel much stronger today. I guess I had to have that breakdown to put some perspective in my life about certain things. You are strong too. I have faith that we will both find our way one of these days when the time is right. Until then, thanks for hanging in there with me. It is appreciated so much blogger buddy.

      🙂

      • Breakdowns are good because they are always the start of something better. 🙂

        I’m glad you are feeling better today. I am to, so it should be a nice weekend for the both of us! 😀

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