I am lazy. This used to not be an issue for me. I was always okay with my lazy ways because I still always managed to get the important things accomplished. Now, I am starting to realize that my laziness is making me incredibly unhappy. I force myself to get out of bed in the morning. It’s hard to get up when you really have nothing to look forward to. The days don’t bring much enjoyment with no work and school being on break. I go downstairs to exercise. My exercise always ends up as a half-assed and half-hearted attempt. I head over to mom’s house where I lounge around all day watching television or reading. Days like this used to bring joy and comfort to me after a semester of hard work. My laziness was always my reward for dealing with grumpy students and parents. Now it just feels like a burden.
I am apathetic. I just don’t care anymore. I am at the point where I feel like I can’t win for losing so I just don’t care. In life there are winners and there are losers. I seem to be on the losing side at the moment. I am trying not to stress and deal with my “new life” but it is hard. I am not used to being so idle. Yet, I can’t seem to find any motivation to do much of anything. I sit around all day and pick myself apart. Not good I know. Yet, I can’t get away from it. I’m finding it very challenging to get out of my own head and out of my own way. Maybe, it’s the holidays. I realized today that I haven’t even bothered to put up my Christmas tree yet and I am in no hurry to. Procrastination has always been one of my lesser liked qualities.
I think I may be a little depressed. My mother was on the phone with my brother today. He won’t be here for my birthday. They asked me what I wanted and I said nothing. In my head all I could think was, “To never have been born.” I will be 32. I will still be unmarried, childless, unemployed, and overweight. What is there to celebrate? I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes but I didn’t want anyone to see so I made a hasty retreat to the bathroom where I let them flow down my face. The day isn’t even here yet and it’s already causing me massive dread and disappointment. There is more to the story. My ex called and left me a message that, surprise surprise, the jerk has moved back. This made me realize how much I hate him and his effect on my emotions. I was managing until he reappeared. I haven’t seen him yet and I’m not sure how I will react. I hope I never see him again, but I have never been that lucky. Hopefully, I will still be apathetic so he will know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I no longer want or require his presence in any aspect of my life.