Another sleepless night and this one is brutal.
In a moment of a whole bunch of overwhelming emotions that I cannot even name, I have decided that I will spend my life alone. I will accept it and I will be okay with it. If I haven’t met Mr. Right by now, he probably doesn’t exist. This is what I tell myself during my emotional breakdown. I don’t feel like myself and I haven’t for a while now. I am still Natasha in personality. I will always be the overthinking, stubborn, angst-filled, sarcastic realist. That will never change. When I say I don’t feel like myself, I mean physically.
I have watched myself change immensely over the years. I have gone from petite and tiny, to curvy and shapely, to obese, to overweight. I feel like I have been the same person in four different bodies. Yet, surprising or not, I was never truly happy in any of them. In every body I had, I still felt fat. I still felt there was some part of me that I had to change. I could never just be happy with my body and what it looked like. I am currently back in that place of disliking my physical self. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure if I dislike my physical self because I just do or if it is because no one else seems to like my physical self. Perhaps, it is a combination of both of these. Either way my physical dislike for myself is frustrating.
I am fully aware that to get to where I want to be physically requires a healthy diet combined with exercise. I am not a quick fix, fad diet kind of person. I don’t have the discipline for it and I don’t trust them. My health is important to me because I already have more than enough health issues without adding more to the already full plate. I feel like because I’m not a fad diet kind of person my weight comes off very slowly. It also jumps around because if I’m craving something sweet, I’m going to have it and work it off later. I don’t ever want to lose weight because I have deprived myself. I’d probably be even more frustrated if I did that.
I really hate that I am my toughest critic. My harshest critic comes from someone else completely, but that issue is probably best discussed with a therapist and not on a public blog. Just think of the John Mayer song “Daughters” if you’re really intrigued by that last statement. So yeah, there’s a lot of unresolved, messed up stuff going on with me. Hence, the reason I have given up on a relationship with another person. The relationship I have within myself and those closest to me are the ones that need to be worked out right now.
So this is the deepest part of myself. The one I like to keep hidden and not expose. The one that people may sympathize with or even worse, pity. I hate that. She is me and I am her and so the war rages on.