The Deepest Part Of Myself

Another sleepless night and this one is brutal.

In a moment of a whole bunch of overwhelming emotions that I cannot even name, I have decided that I will spend my life alone. I will accept it and I will be okay with it. If I haven’t met Mr. Right by now, he probably doesn’t exist. This is what I tell myself during my emotional breakdown. I don’t feel like myself and I haven’t for a while now. I am still Natasha in personality. I will always be the overthinking, stubborn, angst-filled, sarcastic realist. That will never change. When I say I don’t feel like myself, I mean physically.

I have watched myself change immensely over the years. I have gone from petite and tiny, to curvy and shapely, to obese, to overweight. I feel like I have been the same person in four different bodies. Yet, surprising or not, I was never truly happy in any of them. In every body I had, I still felt fat. I still felt there was some part of me that I had to change. I could never just be happy with my body and what it looked like. I am currently back in that place of disliking my physical self. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure if I dislike my physical self because I just do or if it is because no one else seems to like my physical self. Perhaps, it is a combination of both of these. Either way my physical dislike for myself is frustrating.

I am fully aware that to get to where I want to be physically requires a healthy diet combined with exercise. I am not a quick fix, fad diet kind of person. I don’t have the discipline for it and I don’t trust them. My health is important to me because I already have more than enough health issues without adding more to the already full plate. I feel like because I’m not a fad diet kind of person my weight comes off very slowly. It also jumps around because if I’m craving something sweet, I’m going to have it and work it off later. I don’t ever want to lose weight because I have deprived myself. I’d probably be even more frustrated if I did that.

I really hate that I am my toughest critic. My harshest critic comes from someone else completely, but that issue is probably best discussed with a therapist and not on a public blog. Just think of the John Mayer song “Daughters” if you’re really intrigued by that last statement. So yeah, there’s a lot of unresolved, messed up stuff going on with me. Hence, the reason I have given up on a relationship with another person. The relationship I have within myself and those closest to me are the ones that need to be worked out right now.

So this is the deepest part of myself. The one I like to keep hidden and not expose. The one that people may sympathize with or even worse, pity. I hate that. She is me and I am her and so the war rages on.


5 thoughts on “The Deepest Part Of Myself

  1. Are you sure you haven’t been creeping into my mind recently? I’ve been coming to the exact same conclusions about my life. Me = alone. Men = awful. Cats = solution.

    I talked to my Mom about it and she pointed out that before I totally despair and give up on love forever, I should learn to fall in love with myself. My reaction was something along the lines of “HA!!! As. If.” But…. I think she might have a point. I have issues, and I’ll admit it. I need to grow before God will send my person along, or else the bad endings of past relationships will repeat.

    I completely understand everything you are talking about. My weight goes up and down all the time (as long as I keep it around 145ish I don’t care too much), and I try to eat well, but sometimes I just snap (I’m drinking a peppermint milkshake right now… shame on me). I used to be rail thin, tall, modelesque…. and then life happened. I comfort ate, gained a ton of weight, had to lose it, got comfortable… and I think I stay where I am now out of laziness. It’s easier to maintain weight than lose it.

    What helps me when nights like this come (and nights are the worst) is knowing that I’m working on things. I’m trying to be a better me, I’m working hard on improving my reactions and my thoughts, and I’m becoming less serious. It’s long and it’s hard, but we are both already working on it.

    Don’t let the night get the best of you. I admire how brutally honest you are about everything that is going on, but you should know that you deserve some credit too. You are working hard, we’ve all been reading about it.

    Things will work out. I don’t know how, when, or why… but they will work out for both of us.

  2. Good post and honest one. Just thinking loudly; no matter how bad my past experiences were, I will look forward for ONE good experience ahead, I will seek it, will long for it, and I am sure it will be there somewhere. May be after 5, 10 or 20 bad ones. But I will encounter it someday before the darkness seep in! Till such time, I am happy with me and will love me for just being me. I am unique and no one can destroy my tranquility, my inside. Therefore, I will keep on experiencing.

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