Shakespeare wrote “To be or not to be? That is the question.”
I say, “Who do I want to be? Who am I? Can I live with or without either?”
It’s that time where I start to feel very introspective. I begin to examine myself and ponder the pitfalls and up swings of my life. While looking at these ups and downs I wonder if they would have been different, if I had been different. I have this picture of my perfect self. Let me list off her qualities and all of her wonderous glory. She is:
- Beautiful (Full lips, clear eyes, flawless skin from head to toe.)
- Has the perfect body. (I’m thinking Beyoncé since I’m pear-shaped and the curves will never go away no matter how much I try.)
- Dresses to perfection no matter the situation.
- Hilariously funny.
- Strong yet docile.
- An IQ to rival Stephen Hawking.
- Always faithful and willing to serve God without question.
She sounds great, doesn’t she? She is everything I will most likely never be. I am:
- Cute (Full lips that are always chapped, red eyes from being a night owl, and combination skin that is highly prone to breakouts.)
- My body is literally a “pear” and not in a good way either.
- I am a hopeless t-shirts and jeans girl.
- Sometimes I can get a laugh but most of the time I can barely get people to crack a smile.
- I’m kind…well kinder than I used to be.
- I’m either too strong or run away like a startled cat. Must work on finding a middle ground.
- I’m smart and I do okay but what I would give to change the world with my mind.
- I’m faithful, but I slip and question my faith at times. I try to be a faithful servant to him but it isn’t without difficulty and temptation.
I want to be the beautiful and funny woman with the Beyoncé body. The woman who is stylish, kind, strong yet meek, and intelligent beyond all measure. The woman who dutifully serves her God with unfailing faithfulness. However, I am your average looking, pear-shaped, fashionably challenged woman. I can barely make people crack a smile and my lack of kindness tends to show on my face. I come across as a ball buster or a baby and am of average intellect. I often question my relationship with God and am often tempted by sin.
So now that I’ve analyzed who I want to be and who I am I must ask myself, could I live with or without the other? Could I live with being the perfect woman I want to be? Would this perfect woman I imagine ever really feel perfect or would she be just as insecure as me? She is me after all. A smarter me would probably never be satisfied and question everything even more than I do now. She’d probably end up going to therapy and taking five kinds of pills a day just to keep up with that perfect facade. I could not live with that. On the other hand, could I live without the attention and accolades that a “perfect” me would receive? Somewhere in me the answer is yes. This is only because I already do and it’s not half bad of an existence. I could live forever with the way I am now. Except, forever is a long time and there is always room for improvement. I could always eat healthier and work on my sugar addiction. I could exercise more frequently and push myself harder. It is not okay to get winded climbing the stairs at school. Yes, I question my faithfulness but this is a part of my free will. My God-given right to think and feel as I want and choose Him every time I question my faithfulness.
These are things about myself that I could live with and wouldn’t want to live without. I am constantly a work of my own progress. My ups, downs, backwards, and sideways have led me down the path to be what I am and who I will always strive to want to be. These imperfections and flaws are what make me who I am: good, bad, and constantly questioning.
Isn’t that the truth?