Has the thought of what someone has done to you ever made your heart drop into your stomach and your eyes pool with water?
I can’t help but think about what could’ve been. I keep replaying the “if only’s” in my mind. If only he had wanted me more. If only he was ready to settle down. If only he didn’t choose those other women over me. If only he would stop wanting me. If only I could stop wanting him. If only my heart wasn’t so fundamentally and irrevocably broken.
He cheated on me. Me! Me? Me! I can’t get over it. Me? Me. How do you cheat on someone you love that much? How could he cheat on me? If I sound egotistical, it’s because I am at the moment. No one cheats on me. If a guy even looked like he had the potential to be unfaithful I was moving on to the next guy. How did I let this one slide by me? Oh yeah….familiarity with assumptions. We grew up on the same street so I thought I knew him. No, I assumed I knew him.
I never thought that falling in love with someone would hurt so much. It didn’t hurt this much the first time around. Yet, this time, every time he crosses my mind it’s like a dagger to my heart. This cannot be normal. I cannot be human. Maybe it is just the opposite. Maybe I am too human. I feel too much. I over think everything instead of calling it a loss and moving on.
Moving on. Am I the only one who thinks this is easier said than done?
Most of the time I am fine. Or I just pretend to be. In truth, I am not fine. I want the concept of love but if it was standing in front of me I would look at it like it was crazy. It and the person offering it to me. I would find some flaw as I inevitably do. I tell myself I know what I want, and I do, but maybe the standard I hold is just too high. Too exorbitant for any one man to meet.
So where does that leave me?
Here, pouring out my most intimate thoughts and feelings to a computer screen. Up, because the burden is too heavy to fall asleep. Lost, because instead of doing anything I remain in the same place. Confused, about what to do now, with this shattered heart of mine.
Suggestions are welcome.