Midnight Confessions of Heartache

Has the thought of what someone has done to you ever made your heart drop into your stomach and your eyes pool with water?

I can’t help but think about what could’ve been. I keep replaying the “if only’s” in my mind. If only he had wanted me more. If only he was ready to settle down. If only he didn’t choose those other women over me. If only he would stop wanting me. If only I could stop wanting him. If only my heart wasn’t so fundamentally and irrevocably broken.

He cheated on me. Me! Me? Me! I can’t get over it. Me? Me. How do you cheat on someone you love that much? How could he cheat on me? If I sound egotistical, it’s because I am at the moment. No one cheats on me. If a guy even looked like he had the potential to be unfaithful I was moving on to the next guy. How did I let this one slide by me? Oh yeah….familiarity with assumptions. We grew up on the same street so I thought I knew him. No, I assumed I knew him.

I never thought that falling in love with someone would hurt so much. It didn’t hurt this much the first time around. Yet, this time, every time he crosses my mind it’s like a dagger to my heart. This cannot be normal. I cannot be human. Maybe it is just the opposite. Maybe I am too human. I feel too much. I over think everything instead of calling it a loss and moving on.

Moving on. Am I the only one who thinks this is easier said than done?

Most of the time I am fine. Or I just pretend to be. In truth, I am not fine. I want the concept of love but if it was standing in front of me I would look at it like it was crazy. It and the person offering it to me. I would find some flaw as I inevitably do. I tell myself I know what I want, and I do, but maybe the standard I hold is just too high. Too exorbitant for any one man to meet.

So where does that leave me?

Here, pouring out my most intimate thoughts and feelings to a computer screen. Up, because the burden is too heavy to fall asleep. Lost, because instead of doing anything I remain in the same place. Confused, about what to do now, with this shattered heart of mine.

Suggestions are welcome.

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3 thoughts on “Midnight Confessions of Heartache

  1. Wow, I have been like this before, scrap that! I have been YOU beofore. I’m the girl that if anyone was going to go ‘astray’ in a relatioship it would be me, not him, me. It was a few years ago now and he was the absolute love of my life, he cheated, I left him. He didn’t leave me but it my head the only way was to not take him back despite his begging and ‘life-ending’ dramatics.

    He is the only person I have ever loved, I dated and olympian for gods sake and still couldn’t forget about him. It’s amazing how some people you can get over in a day and yet others impact the rest of your life, the way you act in any relationship is defined by your past experiences which were once not tarnished.

    There isn’t an answer, I got a pretty good rebound and became a workaholic devoted to my friends instead of a person.

    However I’m pretty good at the chatting thing if you ever need to vent and I wouldn’t usually offer but as you literally sound so similar to how I was, am maybe.

    • Thank you for relating. I was starting to think I was all alone in my eternally heartbroken state for a guy that never deserved it in the first place. It’s very frustrating to say the least. I used to throw myself into work but then I was laid off. Now I try to throw myself into school but he seems to find a way to creep into my head occasionally. Thanks for the chatting offer. I will definitely take you up on that especially because I’d like to hear about your heartache if you’re willing to share.

      • Yeah that happens sometimes, whether you are busy or not, just occasionally it creep up on you. Sometimes it’s when you realize your pretty good person then you wonder why someone would then do that if your a nice person and your back to thinking about it again. Of course! anytime! 🙂 x

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