The Ally to My Insecurity

Do you have someone in your life that makes you feel like you aren’t good enough? I do.

Every time I’m around this person I feel very insecure. I feel almost unworthy. Of what exactly, I’m not even sure. Love? Friendship? Respect? Admiration? All of the above? It’s not as if I’m going out of my way to earn this person’s attention. I stopped doing that a long time ago. However, I still feel this spark of unknown insecurity whenever this person is around me. I still feel like somehow, I am not enough. I feel like who I am isn’t worthy of anyone. That I somehow deserve to be alone. How crazy is that? I’m definitely giving this person way too much power to make me feel this way, but I can’t help it. It doesn’t show in the light of day when I’m around others, but late at night when I’m alone, my insecurities are exposed. I begin to feel too this or too that.

I do things to try and make myself feel better. To feel less insecure. They only work temporarily. As soon as my distraction is over, the insecurity seeps back in as though it never really left in the fist place. Sometimes, it is so overwhelming that I shut myself off from the world. From everyone who really does love and care about me. I shut myself off from those who would show me that I’m not alone if I gave them the chance. Most of the time I can’t. Sometimes I won’t. Instead I lock myself away and think and ponder and pontificate until my head hurts. Until my eyes water and blur. Until I can’t see.

Being around this person is like going into battle. At times I am armed with strength and courage and stamina. Other times I am completely outgunned. This person just seems to already know what makes me strong and what will make me weak. I don’t know if it’s intentional or accidental the things this person says or does to make me feel this way. Writing has always helped when I’m feeling attacked by this person. It gives me time to think. To sort through all the insanity and madness that we all feel sometimes. Even after I write, I always come back to this person.

So, who is this person who makes me feel this way? If you haven’t already guessed by now, this person is me.

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