I am confused. Not just some of the time. I feel confused most, if not all, of the time. I don’t think I’ve felt this confused since I accidentally witnessed my brother kissing a man, who kind of looked like a woman, at the tender age of 8. And even then, I was not as confused as I am now. Even at 8, I knew what “gay” was and had no issues with it. See, even at such a young age I was so sure of things. But now, I cannot say the same.
So the question remains, what am I so confused about? EVERYTHING! Right is left, left is right. Down is up, up is down. I feel constantly in a tailspin and this is NOT okay for me. Yes, there is a part of me that is kind of a control freak. Up until a couple of years ago I knew everything and wasn’t confused about a darn thing. I knew what my future would eventually hold. I knew what I wanted and didn’t want. Funny how life can turn everything you think you know on its head. Now I know nothing. Now, I stay awake at night in a perpetual state of confusion about everything.
Right now these are the questions running through my constantly confused brain:
- “Will I ever find another job?”
- “Why am I still single?”
- “Will I ever lose this extra weight?”
- “Why did I decide to blog about my innermost thoughts to a bunch of strangers?”
- “Why don’t I hang out with my friends more often?”
- “Is it that hard to love me?”
- “Why does my life hate me so much?”
- “Why do my low points always happen late at night?”
The best question of all though: “How do I get back to that confident, self-assured place where I used to be? Maybe I will wake up in the morning and that Nat will be back. Odds are it will only be temporarily. I tend to think of my life as a 16 million yard dash, with hurdles as large as mountains or small as nails placed as my stumbling blocks. My constant sate of confusion is one of those stumbling blocks. It creeps up on me from time to time, but lately it has made frequent trips in my path. In the meantime, I press on because that is life. Constant state of confusion or not, life goes on and so must I.