I Do…But I Don’t

I want children. Well, I do…..but then again I don’t…..or do I?

When I was a teenager thinking about what my future would look like, I envisioned that I would be married by 27 and have 2 of the 4 children I wanted to have by 32. All I can do is laugh at that future I once pictured for myself.

For starters, I am not married and am not sure I ever will be. It’s not that I’m opposed to marriage or anything. I just have yet to find someone who I could stand being with me day in and day out for the rest of my life. And vice versa. Plus, I don’t want to have children until I’m married. I know it’s a very old fashioned and traditional notion, but that’s me.

Ever since I hit 30, I swear my biological clock began ticking louder and louder. Initially, I think my biological clock began ticking when I was diagnosed with Edometriosis. What is Endometriosis? According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, “Endometriosis is a female health disorder that occurs when cells from the lining of the womb (uterus) grow in other areas of the body. This can lead to pain, irregular bleeding, and problems getting pregnant (infertility).”

That is a big part of my dilemma. If I wait too much longer I may not be physically able to have children. This is not an easy thing to talk about for me. It makes me emotional to think that I may never get the opportunity to have children of my own. I’m aware of the alternatives: adoption, IVF, surrogates, etc. But that subconscious part of me is very aware that those things will never compare to be able to have a pregnancy and give birth to a child of my own without the extra hassle or added expenses.

Working in public education is a big reason for my fear of procreation. I have seen and worked with children from all types of backgrounds: wealthy, spoiled, poor, deprived, hyperactive, crazy, and everything in between. I would always say working in schools is the best form of birth control I could ever have. I still believe that to be true. I have several friends who also work in education and feel the same way. One of them was recently married and she still says no way to children. Her husband keeps trying to talk her into it, but thus far he has not convinced her to change her mind. His biggest reason as to why they should have kids is that is that their children won’t turn out like the kids she works with. That might be true, but then again it might not.

I don’t want to have children until I really know who I am having them with. I have seen so many children neglected and under-stimulated by a parent who is more focused on their significant others or themselves and I just don’t think that is fair. I want to be able to give my child my full attention. I want to be financially, mentally, and emotionally stable. As of right now, I am not financially stable. I could not afford to have a child at this point in my life. I’m just afraid if I wait until I am financially stable it will be too late. I also like the fact that I can be selfish and it’s okay because it’s just me.

So as my biological clock keeps on ticking, speeding up faster and faster, as the years continue…….I just pray I don’t run out of time to be ready for children.

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One thought on “I Do…But I Don’t

  1. i think you can have ivf later in life and it’s still successful, at least thats what my obgyn told me, after i was diagnosed with stage 4 endo and i’m not ready for children just yet..

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