Tonight’s Tirade: A Woman’s Unrealistic View

I’m so pumped up and on the largest soap box I can find at the moment. Why? It’s all because of these perfectly, gorgeous, beautiful women I know who don’t seem to know just how perfectly, gorgeous, and beautiful they are.

Today I worked with a woman who is around my age. I think she’s a few years younger than me, so probably in her late 20′s. She is absolutely gorgeous. She has long, silky, black hair. She has a figure that most women would absolutely kill for. On top of all that she’s incredibly intelligent. However, how does she view herself? She thinks something is wrong with her because she has a little bit of cellulite on her body. Her stomach sticks out probably a quarter of an inch so she’s fat. I just wanted to roll on the floor laughing when she pointed these things out to me. But I couldn’t do that because I could see the seriousness and loathing in her eyes when she made these comments. It was the saddest thing I think I’ve ever seen. To see this absolutely gorgeous woman hate herself so much was just so absolutely appalling to me. I had to ask myself, what could’ve happened to her or what could’ve been said to her, to make her hate herself for such minor imperfections?

It doesn’t begin and end with this woman either. All of us women, including myself, put ourselves down so much. Does it help us or hurt us to constantly think of ourselves as inadequate? Also who or what is to blame for these inadequacies? Is it the media and their idealized view of perfection? Is it the unattainable standard of beauty that was made up by someone and held over our heads? Or is it just our own voices in our heads? No matter what it is, it really needs to stop. I cannot take hearing another drop dead gorgeous woman criticize herself for being a meager three pounds overweight, calling herself fat for a miniscule amount of extra skin, or refusing to eat carbs because they will surely make her fat. I think there is a big difference from being healthy and completely depriving yourself for someone elses benefit.

I just think it’s ridiculous that women feel the need to have these thoughts pass through their head, let alone leave their lips. Do men have to go through the same thought process? In my opinion, they might but, it is not as self-deprecating or as often as women. I hate to turn this post into a battle of the sexes, but isn’t that what it always boils down to: women trying hard to please a man. A woman trying hard to live up to the impossibly high standards that many men look for in a woman. I feel like the older I get, the worse it gets. I see it in my sixteen year old niece. She is very tall, very thin, and very beautiful. Yet, she thinks that there is something wrong with her. Instead of spending her Saturday nights having fun with friends, she’s at home doing sit ups because she wants six-pack abs. She’s said she doesn’t think boys like her because she isn’t pretty enough. Where in the heck did she get this idea?

If I look at myself and my own issues, I will admit most of them begin and end with the most influential male in my life. I love my dad. After all he is my dad. However, he hasn’t always made things easy for me growing up because he has expected me to be just like him. While I inherited many of his personality traits, all of my physical traits come from my mom. My dad is tall and thin while my mom is tall and curvy. I wound up short and curvy. This bothered me so much growing up because it bothered my dad so much. I would wear a jacket or sweater around my waist all through high school because I didn’t want people commenting on what I considered my imperfect hips, thighs, and butt. Now, I am 5′ 3″ and was 115 pounds at that time. The only thing I was hiding was a perfectly good figure. Thankfully I broke out of this habit by college and learned to accept and like my body. I can admit I still haven’t learned to love my body.

I’m sure many women will empathize with my personal plight as well as the plight of my niece and the women I work with. When will we learn that perfection is a myth? When will we understand that no matter how much we diet or exercise, there will always be some part of ourselves that we will loath. So, because this is the case why can’t we just accept what we have and not stress about the things we think are minor imperfections. In reality, this is all it is. Just minor imperfections that no one notices but us anyway.

Put Up or Shut Up

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. Very cliché. Yet, literally true. I want to say that it has just been the last few months that I’ve been feeling this way, but if I’m being completely honest, I’ve felt this way for the last ten years of my life. I keep wanting to make changes and while I’m able to make some progress, a little stress always causes me to back slide. I’m now getting to the point where I’m just sick of myself and my excuses to not do what I need to do. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself? Or maybe I’m not being hard enough?

I need to get real and the real deal is that my health is backsliding because I’m not taking care of myself. I’ve been completely stressed out. I think the stress has made my Endometriosis worse. I feel fatigued most of the time now. The cramps are at an all time high. Unfortunately, all of the worst symptoms of my Endometriosis have returned in full effect. The nausea, the extreme mood swings, and ridiculously heavy flow. How have I dealt with these pains in my ass? (Literally and figuratively.) Why chocolate and sugar and carbs galore of course! Yup, the sugar addict has come back in full effect. It’s no longer become an occasional indulgence that is offset by a good workout. Sugar and sweets have become a daily indulgence that I must have in order to make it through the day.

I no longer find or make time for exercise. I use the excuses that all my free time has to go to studying. This is just not true. I can take a measly thirty minutes of the day or night to work out. But I don’t. Yes, I am absolutely exhausted. My day begins at 6 in the morning and doesn’t end until 8 in the evening. But, this is why I’m so exhausted. I’m not getting my adrenaline going. To mimic one of my favorite movie quotes, “Exercise builds endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don’t kill.” I can’t afford to kill anyone working with children and teenagers. Thankfully, I can seem to hold it together when I’m around them. Unfortunately, my frustrations are reserved for those closest to me like my family. I hate that I spill it all on them, but then again they’ve been dealing with me being like this for over twenty years so they tend to take it in stride. God bless them.

I’ve been so down lately that I have not updated my blog. I’ve made several attempts to write but I can manage a few sentences before I quit. Even my writing stamina has seemed to decrease and fatigue. This will be my first complete post in weeks. Everything I’ve tried to write before has just not seemed to come out right. Or it seemed more like a whiny rant than a rant with any kind of point to it. I will be a whiny person occasionally, but I refuse to be a whiny writer too. Hence why I am determined to finally just put up or shut up.

Here is my put up or shut up game plan:

1. Eat more fruits and vegetables.
2. Exercise at least 3 times a week for at least 30 minutes.
3. No fast food.
4. No junk food in the house.
5. Return to daily vitamin supplements.
6. Make sure I get my annual check ups with the doctor.
7. Stay steadfast in faith and prayer.
8. Talk about what’s wrong instead of letting it build up and fester or explode.

 

So this is my put up or shut up game plan. I’m sick and tired of myself and I need to just be the person I want to be. The person I know I can be. It’s time to stop talking about her and just be her.  We’ll see how long this new motivation lasts and if it is able to yield any results. Then again knowing what you want is the first step to obtaining it, right?

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Do you know someone who just can’t seem to get their stuff together? They try and fail or either don’t try at all and get no where and make no progress.

If you said no and yet, you’re reading this…then congratulations because you just met one of those people.

I don’t know why I take one step forward and two steps back all the time. In the last year, I’ve come a long way personally and professionally. Yet, somehow within a span of three days I’ve let a few words from a few people get into my head and send me into a complete tailspin. It all started in class one day. People are always freaking out over their grades because excellent grades are what get you into graduate school. In the program I’m in, a B may as well be an F as far as my fellow students are concerned. Everyone is so competitive and at times it feels like no one wants to help each other out. I hate that. I’m always willing to help a classmate or share information. A friend of mine, who is in a different class, said she asked some girls for their email so she could ask about the homework if she had any questions. Do you know they didn’t give it to her? They made excuses about not checking it and some other crap. I couldn’t believe it.

So since I’ve started school this idea that I must be perfect and do perfectly to get into grad school has been in my head. But the problem is that I’m not perfect. I don’t get straight A’s all the time. I’m not a multiple choice kind of test taker. So what do I end up with most of the time? The dreaded B. I used to brush it off and say I’ll just do better next time. But this is the real world and in the real world better isn’t going to cut it. Only the best make it in to grad school. I spend nearly every free minute I have studying. Television, friends, and fun have all been pushed aside so that I can reach that elusive A.

This is how I began going under even more. I’ve become so stressed out trying to reach that elusive A with no outlet I lost my head. What do I decide to do? I call stupid ex-boyfriend. One step forward, two steps back. That was a huge mistake. Now I’m left feeling like the biggest idiot in the world because I can’t seem to step out of my comfort zone. As much of an asshole as stupid ex-boyfriend is, I keep letting him come back because it’s convenient and he’s just there. It’s comfortable and there’s none of that awkwardness that you experience when you first meet someone. When did I become so damned lazy??? Or just really insecure. Either way it was a huge error in judgement that I am 100% certain will come back to haunt me in the near future.

On the other hand, my brief lapse in judgement was also very sobering. It made me realize a lot of things. The first thing being how judgmental I’ve been about my sister and her ex-husband when her and I are definitely cut from the same cloth. She has wised up and moved on. Maybe one day I’ll be able to as well. I’ve also realized that I can’t dwell on things that haven’t even happened yet. I don’t know what my ending grades will look like. I have plenty of time to improve my scores and in the end if all I get are a bunch of B’s, then dammit at least I worked my butt off to earn those B’s. If a school doesn’t want to let me in because of that, it’s not the end of the world. I already have one freakin’ Master’s degree. I will be fine. Finally, the last thing I’ve realized is that my stupid ex boyfriend is never going to change. I can’t keep holding on and going back to him because he’s predictable and I know exactly what I’m going to get, both good and bad. I need to force myself to date no matter how much I don’t want to. Perhaps I need to make myself uncomfortable to find a future that is happy.

So, yes I am a one step forward and two steps back kind of person. This self sabotage has got to stop before I end up in a situation I can’t get out of. Well, here’s to hoping the one step forward I take this week keeps propelling me forward.

Creepy Neighbors

When I first found my town home, I knew immediately that it was for me. It just felt right being there. Now if only everything else would click as well as me and my home. My neighbor across the way introduced himself on my inspection day and he seemed nice enough. He gave me all the information on my other neighbors and while I thought it was very nosey of him, it didn’t bother me. As time went on he just got creeper and creepier. He’s very tall so I always feel as though he’s lurking around. He has to be in his seventies, but dresses like a teenager, and wears bright lime green hoops. The fact that he is always hanging outside, of either his house or mine, makes it even more disturbing.

Then came his dog. A beautiful dog and very smart. Only the dog barked and whined constantly. He always left the poor dog outside alone whether it was 90 degree heat or pouring rain. He also never picked up after his dog so stepping outside smelled like rancid beans a lot of the time. I know my neighbors complained because he always got complaints and the homeowners association was always in front of his home. Oh and not only was he neglectful to his dog but he would often “discipline” him. Basically he hit the dog so hard and so repetitively that you could hear the dog whine from miles away. One day he came to my door and told me his dog died. That someone jumped over his gate and beat the dog with a bat or something. The weird thing is that the day he claims this happened I was actually at home and didn’t hear anything but him beating his dog like he normally does. I told my parent about what he claims happened and my dad, being a former cop, said he didn’t call the police or anything. He also said that my neighbor probably killed his dog.

After that, I tried to avoid him as much as I could. Every now and then I hear a knock on my door and figure it has to be him but I just ignore it. I really don’t feel like being bothered by my creepy, dog murdering neighbor. My most recent run in with him happened late one night on my way home from school. He stopped me outside and asked me if anyone in the complex had my phone number. I asked why and he said in case something happens or someone tries to break in. Now my thoughts immediately go to why would that be something he would bring up? Surely he would tell me or call the police if someone was lurking around trying to break in my house. He’s seriously creeping me out now so I tell him that my friend lives in the complex and has my number. His reply? Oh okay, well I thought it might be good for someone to have your number with your lifestyle and everything. I say well my friend has it so I’m okay and I turn to go in my house. Then I wonder what he means by my “lifestyle”. I must admit I’m a little offended. What was he trying to say? It’s like he’s implying I’m running a brothel out of my house or something. My sister thinks it’s the opposite. She thinks he means I’m a lesbian because I don’t have men running in and out of my house.

I don’t know what to think but I’m highly offended and regularly creeped out by this man. I hate having a creepy, nosey, suspected dog murdering neighbor.

I Fall Apart

Today was the day I finally fell apart.

I pushed myself for almost two months and it has finally caught up with me. Today I had an emotional breakdown. I went to work tired and stressed over midterms, quizzes, and papers due next week. I didn’t get any sleep. The words of my crazy neighbor are constantly replaying over and over in my head. My dog woke me up at 3:30 in the morning barking downstairs as if someone was trying to break in. Yet, I held it together.

I leave work to go home and nearly avoid being hit by a truck that almost turned directly into me. I’m tired and drained. My caffeine and sugar rush have long worn off. I go to my parents house and then head home. I get a call from someone at church to teach class and I say yes because I just can’t seem to say no even though I’m so tired and don’t feel well. Yet, I hold it together.

I’m driving home and I stop on a downslope. The soup my mom gave me spills. I go to turn and am almost hit by another car speeding down the street. I finally make it home to only have the bag my soup was in fall apart and land on my lap. I am burned by scalding by hot soup on my thigh. I walk into the house as quickly as I can. I can no longer hold it together.

I let the tears flow from my eyes and curl in a ball. It just feels like too much. I’m too overwhelmed. I went from zero to sixty and I really just need some time to myself to breathe. I need sleep. I need to relax. I need to exercise. I need healthy food. I need to stop stressing out. But I find it hard to do any of these things. The hardest part of all is knowing that I can only have this short breather and then it’s back to reality tomorrow. I will have to pull it together and put on my everything’s fine face because nobody wants to watch a person fall apart. The sad thing is that I will. I will continue on being Ms. Responsibility and Ms. Determined while hiding the fact that I am dying for a respite inside. I will continue on with life and push myself until I fall apart again. I can’t help but wonder if something similar to this was the inspiration for the story of Humpty Dumpty?

“Bosses” and Stupid Ex-Boyfriends

A lot of interesting things have been happening lately. I really want to write a post about them, but between work, school, and studying I have no time to dedicate to blogging like I used to. Then when I take a moment to breathe, like I’m doing right now, I forget about most of what I really wanted to say. Oh well, I will just have to go with what I remember.

So, the first interesting thing has been one of my “bosses”. I say my “boss” because while she’s overseeing me and I’m learning a lot from her, I feel she’s more like a peer than a boss. For starters she’s my age. Even a year or two younger than me. Even crazier than that is the fact that her sister and I were in the same Counseling program and graduated with our Master’s degree at the same time. I remember having one class with her sister but we never talked or hung out. Also, she asks me a lot of personal questions.

I’m really not used to people asking about my personal life and wanting to get all up in my business. Most people will skirt around the deep personal stuff, but not my “boss”. She asked me flat-out one day if I was dating anyone and when I said no she asked me “why not?”.  I’m the type of person who doesn’t just volunteer information to people I don’t know. However, if a person is asking me a straight forward question I will gladly answer. So, we ended up talking about the “stupid ex-boyfriend” and I told her about that whole drama. Then we got to talking about internet dating and I told her about my disasters in that arena and why I gave up on it.

Now, I’ve had bosses that I was close with. I still talk to my old Principal from time to time. But, we never got into deep conversations like this. These are the type of conversations that I usually reserve for my friends. Probably because they are the ones who actually care about stuff like that. I’ve had some time to get to know her and I’ve decided that my “boss” is just a really laid back and genuine person. She’s one of those people who live life to the fullest and gets along with everybody. I’m actually glad I’m working with her and learning from her because not only is she an awesome person, but she’s awesome at her job as well.

The other interesting that has been happening is the whole sex vs love debate. Yes, it rages on with stupid ex-boyfriend. We just finished arguing via text message about it. I really don’t know how it got started but I know how it ended. The same way it always does: him telling me he doesn’t want a relationship, that he just wants me. I interpret that to mean that he just wants sex and nothing more and it pisses me off. So before I reply I count to ten to gather my composure and reply with only honesty. I say that’s the problem. That I’m not a girl who can have casual sex with someone I’m not committed to who isn’t committed to me. How does he not know this by now? It’s only so obvious. I feel like he’s trying to make me into someone I’m not.

Yet, when something bad happened to me earlier this week he was the first person I talked to about it. Probably because he texts me daily. Even if it’s just to say hi or see how my day is going. If we hadn’t been in a relationship we would probably make really good friends.It’s obvious we still care about each other but I know we could never really be friends. Why? Because he’d constantly be propositioning me to sleep with him.

*Deep sigh* That’s my life.

Nat’s Life Updated

I think I may have to rename my blog from Nat’s_Life_Daily to Nat’s_Life_Weekly or possibly monthly. It’s been a crazy and hectic few weeks with many ups and some downs. But, I won’t complain about any of it because I’m loving all of it.

I HATED unemployment. It sucked. Yes, I got to stay home and not be stressed out so much and take some time for myself. But after the first few months of that it got old. After a year and a half of it, I was dying. Well, somehow I went from one extreme to the other. Now, I’m working full-time. When I get off work, I’m at school all night. When I leave school I’m studying for tests and quizzes. I’ve had zero free time to really concentrate on my blog and write. I’ve really had nothing to write. On many of my weekends, I’m involved in church activities so that takes away from my down time. But it has also been fun and I’ve found renewed energy and purpose in it. I work harder during the week to study because I know once the Sabbath comes, that is it for me. No more thinking about school and studying. It’s time to relax and commune with God. I’ve definitely grown to appreciate this mandatory respite from life in the last year. And now with life as busy as it is, I really appreciate it that much more.

Work is good. I’m at three very different school sites: an elementary school, a high school, and a non-public school. The elementary school is pretty cool. The high school is fantastic. The non-public school is okay. Everyone at all three sites seems nice. I’m working mostly with students in special education at all three sites. I’ve always had a soft spot for kids in special education so I’m glad to have an opportunity to be exposed to them more than I was as a School Counselor. So far the experience has been invaluable. I’m learning so much about the profession and already building a professional network of people. I’m trying really hard to do a great job so that when the time comes for me to re-apply for this position next year, there will be no hesitation in allowing me to return. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m maybe trying too hard or overdoing it. I don’t want to run out of gas before June.

So while my professional and school life are going great, my love life is still in the gutter. In the game of love vs. sex, love is always going to win out for me. I can’t help it. I’ve already been there and done the “no strings attached” thing. It doesn’t work for me. I attach strings. I have been trying to open my eyes and be more open to dating people I may have overlooked in the past. Who am I trying to kid? If a guy asked me out that I felt wasn’t my type I’d still say no. Or in my case say, “I’ll think about it”, knowing I won’t and should’ve just said no. I hate hurting people’s feelings. In not hurting their feelings, I’m probably leading them on which is just as bad, if not worse. There is this one really cute teacher at one of my sites. My supervisor adores him. She always tells me, “Isn’t he so cute?” I just say yeah. She likes him so much she wants to set him up with her daughter. Unfortunately, her daughter is already dating someone and lives two hours away. If my supervisor wasn’t married, I think she’d take him for herself. I can’t say I’d blame her though. The guy seems perfect on paper: tall, handsome, special ed teacher, kind, caring, friendly, athletic, and likes to travel. Maybe I should ask him out….

So yeah, that’s been my life for the last couple of weeks. There’s been more stuff with Mr. stupid ex-boyfriend but I’ll save that for future posts.

Sex vs. Love

He wants sex. She wants love.

He wants someone to be at his disposal for his sexual needs whenever he wants. To be a ready and willing participant in whatever sexual gymnastics he has thought of for the night. He doesn’t want to date. He doesn’t want a relationship. He doesn’t want a friendship. He wants someone who will be mutually respectful of the fact that all he requires from this life is sex. He doesn’t want to get to know her. He doesn’t want to marry her or raise a family. Yet, if this is something he has to tell her in order to get what he wants, then he will. The future is not something that matters to him. He lives for the present alone. That is all that matters. The present is the only thing that will fulfill his desire. The present is the only place that can quench his insatiable lust for sex. But, what happens when he meets someone who makes him think about the future?

She wants someone who will be committed and faithful to her. Someone who will love her unconditionally. A person who will meet her high standards of love and relationship. A partner  to carry the burdens of life with and celebrate the joys. She wants someone who will be her friend, lover, and husband. A man who will know her inside and out. A soulmate. A man that has all of those high standards she has longed for all of her life. A relationship, marriage, and children. That is all she ever thinks about. Her future. The future that she has mapped out and guaranteed for herself. She has no doubts that this will happen for her. Love is her future and it will happen for her. She doesn’t think about the past or the present. The past has long since gone and the present is only a gateway to the future. But what happens when she meets someone who makes her think about the present?

So what happens when these two people, of completely opposite dispositions, cross paths?

I haven’t the slightest idea. Yet, this seems to be the path I’ve found myself in. A path where he wants sex and I want love. The end result is always the same because both of us are too stubborn to yield to what the other wants. So we continue this dance of love and sex. Never wanting to go completely forward but never quite wanting to give up. I think this is what the dictionary refers to as insanity.

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

She asks herself daily.

Why am I here

and why do I worry?

Things are not right.

They haven’t been in a while.

Not even a funny joke

seems to make me smile.

What am I doing?

She asks herself nightly

Feeling overwhelmed

with feelings that are frightening,

frustrating, painful, and sad.

Eating her emotions

straight from the bag.

She fills the void with junk.

Salty, chocolate, and sweet.

Only caring about it later

while wallowing in her defeat.

What am I doing?

She truly wants to know.

But the power of confusion

leaves her in the shadows.

First Love

Do you remember your first love?

Do I remember mine? I do. His name was Ronald. I met him within my first few months at college. I can still remember the first moment that I saw him. I remember every feeling and thought I had. He was cute in an unconventional kind of way and I really liked that. What I remember most of all was the way he looked back at me. That’s how I knew he was it for me. He stood out from every other guy I had known before or met previously. His eyes weren’t filled with lust or the need to conquer. Instead they were filled with admiration. I had never been one to approach a guy or make the first move. I was always shy and reserved. But with Ronald, all of that was tossed aside. I became someone else as I talked and flirted with him. Thank the Lord, he actually flirted back. This was mutual. Ronald and I lived in the same hall so we spent a lot of time together. We got to know each other extremely well and we were honest with each other. Well, most of the time.

Yes, I remember my first love quite well. I remember the butterflies. I remember the smiles. I remember the sweet little things he did just because. It’s hard to forget that. I remember the innocence of that first love. It was new and untainted by previous relationships. He was the epitome of the perfect guy for me. Yes, I said perfect. Back then I had no realization that perfection didn’t exist. Or that it would be hard to find anything remotely close to my ideal of perfection ever again. And, just like many first loves, ours came to an end. It was all my fault. I got upset with him over something. I can’t remember what it was, but odds are it was something really stupid. In the heat of the moment I broke up with him. For, the first time in my life I had regretted that decision so I tried to make amends for it. I asked Ronald to give me another chance and he said no. I didn’t beg and I never asked again after that. He was just as stubborn as me and he wasn’t going to change his mind.

Ronald and I remained friends throughout college. I slowly got over the break up, but I never entered into another relationship. Ronald and I parted ways after college and I didn’t see him until a mutual friend’s wedding. It was a very brief hello and goodbye after which I proceeded to get very, very drunk. I never saw or heard from him after that until a few years after the wedding. He had finally embraced social media and joined Facebook. I friend requested him and we began writing each other. It was going well until some unresolved past issues were brought up and he said that while he cared about me, he couldn’t be friends with me anymore. My simple reply was okay. He left Facebook shortly after that.

For my 32nd birthday, I decided to get really drunk and forget that I was 32. When my friends left and I was alone, I wanted to look up Ronald. I didn’t think I would find him and  yet I did. He had returned to Facebook. In my drunken haze I took it as a sign. So what did I do? I decided to drunk Facebook him of course. I sent him a message that said, “Hi Ronald. Before you completely disregard this message I ask you to be nice because its my birthday and I’m drunk. It’s been a while. How are you?” I hit send and went into a great drunken sleep. When I woke up the next morning what I did hit me like a ton of bricks. Why would I do something so ridiculous? He made it very clear he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Oh well I decided. What’s done is done and can’t be undone. I’d just say it was a mid-life crisis or something. Yet, to my complete and utter shock he wrote back. And he wrote back that same morning. His reply said, “Hello Natasha. Its always nice to hear from you. Im doing ok, I hope you had a nice birthday. Yeah its been a while, How have you been? Whats your favorite drink?” 

Yes folks, not only did my first love respond back to my message but he also asked a question which meant he wanted to keep the conversation going. And since I turned 32, it has. We haven’t brought up our past and I have no plans to. Thus far, we have only focused on our present and are starting to touch on the future. I hope this means we can be friends. I used to think it was impossible to be friends with an ex, but maybe that isn’t so. We have both grown up and matured a lot. We are no longer the naive 19 and 20 year olds that we once were.

I never thought first love could be so special. I never thought that this many years after our relationship I would still think about him. I never thought I would still wonder how his life was going and if he was okay. I never thought I would still care or even remember him. But I guess it’s because no matter how hard you try, you never forget your first love. They always have that special place in your heart. Even now, I know that if speaking to each other again doesn’t turn out well that, it’s okay. It’s okay because I know I will never forget about him and he will never forget about me. The power of first love has bound us together in a special and unique way. And that, I will never regret.